bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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