they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
