I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
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