just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize