she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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