I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
