I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
