I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
