drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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