You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize