bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
