I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
My liver just broke up with me...
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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