jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
