So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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