here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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