I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
