I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
