Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
