I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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