Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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