Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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