Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
