You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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