Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
