He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize