Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
