hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
