Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
