I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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