My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
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