Me. At least after what I've been through.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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