I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
