My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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