I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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