i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize
