We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
