Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
