Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
