I looked at my own cervix.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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