For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
