Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
