I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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