and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
