Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
