I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
