I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
