and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
