Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
