If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
