Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
