By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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