I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Randomize