His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
