Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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