you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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