I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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