I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You took a bar mat shot.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
