I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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