I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
