this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
