trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize