i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
